Due to the whirlwind roller coaster ride that I allowed my doctors to take me on, I have maintained radio silence. I have since found the emergency stop button, and have let myself off.
It's been a ridiculous week and a half. I left my 16-week doctor appointment with a two thumbs up from the doctor, and instructions to come back in a month. Later that same week, I get a call saying that my blood tests that were done to measure my MAFP levels were off. This test is a screening test for Down's, Edward's and Neural Tube Defects. Mine came back with a higher than normal result for a possibility of a neural tube defect. I allowed myself to panic about this as she continued talking about babies with no brains. She then told me I would need to come in for an amniocentesis right away.
I'm not crazy about needles, especially ones that are inserted in my stomach and cost nearly $1000 out-of-pocket. I had been warned about the Korean Medical system and their somewhat questionable fund raising tactics. So, I did my research. I looked up all the possible things a neural tube defect could be. I looked up ultrasound images of those with and without neural tube defects and compared them to my own images. If I could clearly see that my baby had a head and a brain inside her head, why couldn't the doctor? These Korean doctors just love us self-diagnosing Westerners. Koreans don't question. They simply do what they are told. Not me. I emailed her back with 'my findings' and told her that everything I read suggested that an amniocentesis was really the last thing you should try. A Level 2 ultrasound, for instance, is usually the next step to look for problems of this nature. I got the run around, and I was told that it would take more than a month to get a Level 2 ultrasound scheduled. This is why the doctor felt amniocentesis would be better since it could be done sooner and is 99% accurate. Did I mention that the Level 2 Ultrasound costs about $150 and the amnio $1000?
Initially, my impatient self and my need for immediate answers led me to agree to this procedure. As always, however, God seems to step in. When we went in for the procedure, she discovered that my amniotic fluid levels were too low, and an amniocentesis would not be possible. Miraculously, in light of this new information, she was able to schedule me for a Level 2 Ultrasound for that same day. So, I was able to avoid the needle and the 1:1000 risk for a miscarriage. The radiologist wasn't able to find any indication of a neural tube defect, but he did confirm my amniotic fluid levels were 50% of what they should be. He also found echogenic bowel, which could mean most likely nothing, an indication of Down's, a fetal infection, blah, blah, blah.
So great, more stuff to worry about. I left the clinic feeling no less worried than when I went in. It didn't help that shortly after I got a call from OB simply stating that she would be referring me to another OB for my care. After all of that, she still felt that I should have an amniocentesis, but she didn't feel comfortable performing it herself. So, I made a new appointment for an amniocentesis with the new doctor. He, of course, couldn't get me in until 2 days before I am to fly home for my sister's wedding, which meant I couldn't go home. Non-refundable ticket...so my amnio would now be costing me more than $2000.
And then, there it was...my epiphany. I'm not an idiot. I can read. I had the radiology report. I read it. I took a step back, and thought over all the information that had been thrown at me in the last 48 hours, and soon realized that when you put it all together it was simply ludicrous and madness. The devil is so crafty...so, so crafty!
What does the devil do? He comes to steal, kill, and destroy. I reminded myself that the test that started this madness was simply a screening tool and not a diagnostic one. The false-positive rate is ridiculously high, and no one should really give it that much thought. Originally, they told me my risk of Down's was super low. My problem area was a possible neural tube defect not Down's. They never would have requested an amniocentesis test based on my risk assessment for Down's. So now, after the radiologist clearly told me several times that he can't see any problems, does my doctor still think an amniocentesis is necessary? Because of the minute, very minute risk of Down's based on a picture that could be absolutely and most likely is nothing at all? The light went on finally. Even if that were the case, no test is going to change or correct Down's. So, why would I pay for a test that won't change anything, won't allow the doctors to fix anything, miss my sister's wedding, miss work, and risk losing a perfectly healthy baby all for the sake of a test in which the outcome will be the outcome whether I know it in advance or not? The devil really is a sneaky fellow.
In one act of fear, I could have destroyed a perfectly healthy baby and wasted more than $2000 doing it. And to what end?
Not only that, but all this worry and running around with our heads cut off has made me lose weight, and I have lost a much needed week of study for my upcoming GRE test. With all of the above thoughts, there was no way I could make myself concentrate on GRE test prep.
So, let this be a lesson to all of those who are here in Korea and at home alike who might someday be put in this very position...A quote from my wise mother, " Don't let the doctors talk you into borrowing trouble."
I am not angry with my doctors, and will still be going to my original OB. I spoke to her today, and explained to her my logic, which she agrees makes sense. It is her job to think of worst case scenario. It's my job to listen and sort through what lines up with God's word and His plan for my life and what doesn't. I'm so thankful for my mom and dad-in-law who know just this, and continuously remind me when I forget.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Expect the Unexpected From Me and You Will Never Be Surprised
The cat has left the bag, and has completely vanished. The milk has been split, and so it is now appropriate for me to announce it to the world. As the title would suggest, the news I share will come as a shock to, I dare say, everyone that knows me. However, I, any other way, just wouldn't be me.
With such shocking news, I will try to do my best to be better about keeping this updated since for most it will be the only way to keep up with everything. For others, I hope it serves as both a comfort and a source of information for those who have stumbled upon my blog.
Somewhere near the end of October the world will be blessed with a little girl who is half me, half Darius. Look out world, you have no idea what you will be getting yourself into.
Because I can't seem to do anything like a normal person, my first and only child, made in America, will be born in Korea. So, this has been and will continue to be quite an adventure as we navigate through being first time parents in a foreign country with all our family and friends no less than 8,000 miles away.
This is week 16 of our adventure, and I will fill you in as to what has happened so far and how it happened.
I must also preface that what I will share with you will be truthful and honest. I fear my honesty will anger some, horrify others, and entertain most. My honesty will keep me from being admitted to the pregnant lady club as I am about to reveal the deep, dark secrets of pregnancy as I see it.
Deciding to have a baby and do it while we are living in Korea was a conscious decision that Darius and I made with much thought and planning. No surprises here. The only surprise was how quickly everything has happened. Though, I still shock myself that I am still surprised when God gives me exactly what I ask for. As an Implanon user, (if you don't know what this is, don't worry) I had heard that it could take up to a year before I would be able to get pregnant. That, of course, did not fit into my timeline. I had a 6 month window where we would try. If it didn't happen, it didn't happen.
When I went to get my Implanon removed at Hyosung Hospital in Daegu, which, by the way, you can also get them inserted and they speak perfect English, the doctor told me just two things. The first thing was it could take up to a year for me to conceive. The second piece of advice was to "don't wear your husband out." That was it. Most people find Korean doctors to be a little callous. I find them refreshing. They get straight to the point and don't sugar coat anything.
I'm happy to say the doctor was wrong. It only took about 2 weeks from removal to conception. It's a record, I'm sure. You usually hear all of these wonderful stories filled with rays of sunshine of an excited husband and wife huddled over the stick waiting for the 2 blue lines to appear. When the lines do appear the husband and wife shriek with joy and are immediately transported into a bubble filled with rainbows and glitter. This was not the way it happened for me. We we're stateside when I took the test, and so I at least was in the comfort of my home. However, when the two blue lines appeared I think I stopped breathing for, I don't know, hours followed by quite a few panic attacks. I don't care how much you plan, how long you wait, or how confident you are that this is the right time. You will panic. I panicked. I tried to make Darius panic. Everything that had been talk up until that point had suddenly become very real, and it was, to say the least, overwhelming.
Darius, however, was eerily calm and even found my panic a little humorous. He let me freak out, I'm sure for his own entertainment, before he quietly and calmly reminded me that God has never, ever let me down. God gave me exactly what I asked for in exactly the time frame that I wanted. Then, of course, I decided that I must be the craziest person ever to panic about this. However, this would not be my last panic attack.
When we got back to Korea, I called the doctor and told her I had to know immediately if the test was right. I love Korea for their Saturday doctor's hours. That Saturday I went to the doctor who confirmed with an ultrasound that the test was correct. Panic ensued again. This type of panic required the advice of the older sister. I have no idea what time it was in the states when I called her, but she was the only one who was going to be able to shed some light on these ridiculous panicky feelings of mine. I must mention at this point that there were numerous bouts of uncontrollable crying during this time.
After listening to me cry into the phone for a good 5 minutes before I could even speak, my sister laughed at me. I felt guilty for the crying and the panicking of which she told me over and over again during an hour long international phone call that it was hormones and normal. The crying would soon stop, and she explained that my panic simply came from the fact that my life was changing. I know Darius was thankful and would have paid any amount that that phone call would have costed me. Up until that time, he was the only one I had unloaded my panic and tears on. Thankfully, after that phone call, the panic-stricken feelings went away and the crying stopped. Darius should have sent her a fruit basket. Better yet, he should have just sent her a whole dang tree.
The great thing about the Korean medical system is the cost and the services available. Unlike in the states, I get an ultrasound at every doctor's visit. I can also drop by anytime I want to for another one. It is nice, since we are so far away, that all of the ultrasound videos are loaded onto a USB so I can send the videos and have the printouts of each visit. Each ultrasound visit costs about $30.00. I really wish they did this in the states. It is so comforting to hear that heartbeat and see her every 3 or 4 weeks. The doctor visits here are so quick, and you are in an out in less than 30 minutes. Part of the Korean Insurance program is that you also get pre-loaded debit card worth about $500.00 that you can use to pay for your medical bills. You can only use $60 at a time, but it's free money. You simply take the certificate that the doctor gives you proving your pregnant, and take it to a participating bank to pick up the card. You can also go to the post office.
The other great thing about the doctors here is that they are so accessible. For example, Darius has a texting relationship with his doctor. I can email my doctor, and she will respond back to me personally before the end of the day. The foreign liaison who helps translate when needed gives out her personal cell phone number to patients to use 24 hours a day.
So...at 16 weeks baby is healthy. I'm healthy. I'm one of the chosen who didn't have to deal with morning sickness. I've only gained 4 pounds thus far, and I haven't changed my eating habits. I have a theory that (and this is the part that will make some people angry and denied access to the club) pregnancy is simply an excuse to overeat. I don't and won't buy into the garbage line of Baby wants _______ (fill in the blank) If all babies wants and can eat when they come out is breast milk or formula, then why would baby be craving gallons of cookie dough ice cream, bags of potato chips, and any other decadent, disgusting delight that we would normally deny ourselves? If you wanna eat it, eat it. Just don't blame the baby.
I also haven't made my husband a slave to my every whim and desire even though he has taken up some of my responsibilities all on his own. Yes, I am tired. However, I still manage to make it to work, go to my dance class three times a week, make dinner sometimes, study for my GRE, and all the other stuff that I was doing before. Being pregnant for me is a work in progress, and my opinions on these touchy subjects may yet change. But for now, I refuse to be that pregnant lady.
With such shocking news, I will try to do my best to be better about keeping this updated since for most it will be the only way to keep up with everything. For others, I hope it serves as both a comfort and a source of information for those who have stumbled upon my blog.
Somewhere near the end of October the world will be blessed with a little girl who is half me, half Darius. Look out world, you have no idea what you will be getting yourself into.
Because I can't seem to do anything like a normal person, my first and only child, made in America, will be born in Korea. So, this has been and will continue to be quite an adventure as we navigate through being first time parents in a foreign country with all our family and friends no less than 8,000 miles away.
This is week 16 of our adventure, and I will fill you in as to what has happened so far and how it happened.
I must also preface that what I will share with you will be truthful and honest. I fear my honesty will anger some, horrify others, and entertain most. My honesty will keep me from being admitted to the pregnant lady club as I am about to reveal the deep, dark secrets of pregnancy as I see it.
Deciding to have a baby and do it while we are living in Korea was a conscious decision that Darius and I made with much thought and planning. No surprises here. The only surprise was how quickly everything has happened. Though, I still shock myself that I am still surprised when God gives me exactly what I ask for. As an Implanon user, (if you don't know what this is, don't worry) I had heard that it could take up to a year before I would be able to get pregnant. That, of course, did not fit into my timeline. I had a 6 month window where we would try. If it didn't happen, it didn't happen.
When I went to get my Implanon removed at Hyosung Hospital in Daegu, which, by the way, you can also get them inserted and they speak perfect English, the doctor told me just two things. The first thing was it could take up to a year for me to conceive. The second piece of advice was to "don't wear your husband out." That was it. Most people find Korean doctors to be a little callous. I find them refreshing. They get straight to the point and don't sugar coat anything.
I'm happy to say the doctor was wrong. It only took about 2 weeks from removal to conception. It's a record, I'm sure. You usually hear all of these wonderful stories filled with rays of sunshine of an excited husband and wife huddled over the stick waiting for the 2 blue lines to appear. When the lines do appear the husband and wife shriek with joy and are immediately transported into a bubble filled with rainbows and glitter. This was not the way it happened for me. We we're stateside when I took the test, and so I at least was in the comfort of my home. However, when the two blue lines appeared I think I stopped breathing for, I don't know, hours followed by quite a few panic attacks. I don't care how much you plan, how long you wait, or how confident you are that this is the right time. You will panic. I panicked. I tried to make Darius panic. Everything that had been talk up until that point had suddenly become very real, and it was, to say the least, overwhelming.
Darius, however, was eerily calm and even found my panic a little humorous. He let me freak out, I'm sure for his own entertainment, before he quietly and calmly reminded me that God has never, ever let me down. God gave me exactly what I asked for in exactly the time frame that I wanted. Then, of course, I decided that I must be the craziest person ever to panic about this. However, this would not be my last panic attack.
When we got back to Korea, I called the doctor and told her I had to know immediately if the test was right. I love Korea for their Saturday doctor's hours. That Saturday I went to the doctor who confirmed with an ultrasound that the test was correct. Panic ensued again. This type of panic required the advice of the older sister. I have no idea what time it was in the states when I called her, but she was the only one who was going to be able to shed some light on these ridiculous panicky feelings of mine. I must mention at this point that there were numerous bouts of uncontrollable crying during this time.
After listening to me cry into the phone for a good 5 minutes before I could even speak, my sister laughed at me. I felt guilty for the crying and the panicking of which she told me over and over again during an hour long international phone call that it was hormones and normal. The crying would soon stop, and she explained that my panic simply came from the fact that my life was changing. I know Darius was thankful and would have paid any amount that that phone call would have costed me. Up until that time, he was the only one I had unloaded my panic and tears on. Thankfully, after that phone call, the panic-stricken feelings went away and the crying stopped. Darius should have sent her a fruit basket. Better yet, he should have just sent her a whole dang tree.
The great thing about the Korean medical system is the cost and the services available. Unlike in the states, I get an ultrasound at every doctor's visit. I can also drop by anytime I want to for another one. It is nice, since we are so far away, that all of the ultrasound videos are loaded onto a USB so I can send the videos and have the printouts of each visit. Each ultrasound visit costs about $30.00. I really wish they did this in the states. It is so comforting to hear that heartbeat and see her every 3 or 4 weeks. The doctor visits here are so quick, and you are in an out in less than 30 minutes. Part of the Korean Insurance program is that you also get pre-loaded debit card worth about $500.00 that you can use to pay for your medical bills. You can only use $60 at a time, but it's free money. You simply take the certificate that the doctor gives you proving your pregnant, and take it to a participating bank to pick up the card. You can also go to the post office.
The other great thing about the doctors here is that they are so accessible. For example, Darius has a texting relationship with his doctor. I can email my doctor, and she will respond back to me personally before the end of the day. The foreign liaison who helps translate when needed gives out her personal cell phone number to patients to use 24 hours a day.
So...at 16 weeks baby is healthy. I'm healthy. I'm one of the chosen who didn't have to deal with morning sickness. I've only gained 4 pounds thus far, and I haven't changed my eating habits. I have a theory that (and this is the part that will make some people angry and denied access to the club) pregnancy is simply an excuse to overeat. I don't and won't buy into the garbage line of Baby wants _______ (fill in the blank) If all babies wants and can eat when they come out is breast milk or formula, then why would baby be craving gallons of cookie dough ice cream, bags of potato chips, and any other decadent, disgusting delight that we would normally deny ourselves? If you wanna eat it, eat it. Just don't blame the baby.
I also haven't made my husband a slave to my every whim and desire even though he has taken up some of my responsibilities all on his own. Yes, I am tired. However, I still manage to make it to work, go to my dance class three times a week, make dinner sometimes, study for my GRE, and all the other stuff that I was doing before. Being pregnant for me is a work in progress, and my opinions on these touchy subjects may yet change. But for now, I refuse to be that pregnant lady.
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